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Apr. 19th, 2019 10:58 pmTony destryoing all his suits makes me so sad every time i watch the movie :(
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Mar. 16th, 2019 12:13 am(no subject)
Feb. 3rd, 2019 10:54 pmDid the absolite minimun of adulting this weekend, i.e. grocery shopping and scaring the kitties with the vacuum cleaner. I mean, work during the week is enough adultiness, bleh. Work is annoying and sucks.
Monty has discovered his taste for paper, this week he ate my parents' statements of account, tried to eat my salary statement (and other important stuff that was in the envelope), and chewed on a paperback. I have no idea what he likes about paper so much, but it's still a little funny. That little shit has all of us wrapped around his little finger, I love that snuggle bug so much.
Friday afternoon someone from the shelter came for the second control visit; Minou turned tail and ran faster than you could say "CHEESE!". The lady only got one picture before Minou hid behind the curtain and hissed at us. Mascha just sat there and allowed us to pet her like the queen she is :) The lady was so very happy to see Mascha comfortable and all purry (and round lol). And I was happy that she was happy :))
Yesterday when I was sitting on the sofa Mascha came to me for the first time, licked my fingers and then rammed her head against my hand to demand scritches :)
She's never done that before <3 <3 <3
In our last appointment my therapist suggested trying to reduce my meds ... I told her I was willing to try, how I felt secure enough. L O L
Later I reallized that the thought actually fucking scares me. Rationally I know no one wants to take my meds away over night. I know the idea is to take it slow - and that I can say that I want them back. But my monkey brain is bouncing around and scared, worried I'll lose the security I have now. Hm.
And I wonder if my "yes, let's try this!" is just me being the obedient people-pleaser. I have to do some thinking, I guess.
(no subject)
Jan. 9th, 2019 11:19 pmyesterday was my grandmother's funeral. It was ... good. and weird.
I havent't been to church for a very long time, so that was weird (and I really mean weird. I still know all the words, and it was once so important to me and now very much not).
But it was good to come together and say goodbye.
Her cousin was there, too. And in the late afternoon he had a cerebral haemorrhage and died after a few hours.
(no subject)
Jan. 1st, 2019 09:11 pmAaaand I'm sad again.
Because of my fucking period.
Because I have to go back to work this Thursday, and I hate it so much.
Because it frustrates me that I have to bother my cat multiple times a day with eye drops and The Brush and she no longer likes to snuggle up to me
Because my Grandmother died and my aunt is acting like a real asshole.
Fuck all this fuckery
(no subject)
Dec. 24th, 2018 11:34 pmChristmas Eve was nice and quiet. We exchanged presents, Monty tried to eat all the wrapping paper and boxes. Then he got to (had to) try on his new winter jacket and he hated it. He stood there, looking so reproachful (how could you do this to me???! I look so silly, the other dogs will laugh at me!!!). But it was so adorable. <3
Then Dad went to have a nap, because he has a cold, and Mom and me had a nap because we wanted to. Monty lay down next to me on the sofa and it was awfully comfy.
And now I just had like half a Daim cake and I'm watching TV.
After years of awfully forced Christmas "performances" for my Grandmother this is just perfection. <3
Last night I got almost no sleep at all. I stayed awake a little too long, past being tired, so to speak. And then I was worried about my kitties, too. They're sneezing and I'm concerned - that it could be more than just dry air. And it felt like they were sneezing non stop because I fell asleep between the sneezes. sigh.
I'll see if it's better after Christmas and if not I'll haul Mascha's butt to the vet.
2018 - A Review
Dec. 23rd, 2018 11:27 pm1. What is your general feeling for 2019?
Leeriness. That fucker better be less stressful than 2018.
2. 2018 in one word?
Stressful.
3. Did something for the first time time 2018?
Meditate. I tried it to work on my mental health
4. Did something again after a long time?
Knitting. And reading.
5. Something you regret not doing?
READING MORE
6. Word of the Year?
Mindfulness
7. Hospitalizations?
No
8. Food of the year?
Hard to say, I basically love everything you can eat lol
But I tried Mochi for the first time :)
9. Song of the year?
Bohemian Rhapsody
10. Book of the year?
Truman Capote: In Cold Blood
11. Movie of the year?
I loved Black Panther.
12. Insight of the year?
Needing help does not make you weak
13. Things I could have done without?
1. Acute hearing loss/tinnitus because of stress. It sucks
2. She's not a thing, but counts nonetheless: my boss
14. Best decisions of the year?
1. Making my parents get a doggo
2. Deciding to get myself kitties
3. Finally starting therapy
(no subject)
Dec. 23rd, 2018 10:30 pmYesterday we went to visit my Grandma. It was an unplanned visit - Thursday early in the morning she fell out of bed (she's in a nursing home) and wasn't well afterward.
She's very confused, but maybe that's because of a concussion. Or maybe a small stroke ...
It was really ... touching and ... strange.
I mean, she recognised my mom and me; but basically all she said was "thank you" again and again. For visiting, for everything. How nice we are for visiting, how good. How bad she is for not being able to control her bladder. Wishing us all the best.
She's 97, for the last 20 years she's been expecting to die. But still, this felt so much like saying goodbye. We were never close, she was never really interested in me.
But she was so tiny and tired in her bed. And I felt like ... I don't know if there's a God, but if there is he'd better be kind to her.
(no subject)
Dec. 19th, 2018 09:55 pmToday I bought a hand puppet. shaped like an octopus. It's ridiculous and awesome and Monty loved chewing on it (and my fingers, of course):
This morning he stole the butter dish from the table and tried to sneak away with it. He got caught, he didn't eat too much of it, so he's fine.
thieving thief.
lol
(no subject)
Dec. 17th, 2018 12:02 ambut. having your boss basically say: you can't be overworked and stressed, you're on coffee break all the time[not fucking true. obviously. lol] ... does not help either.
because saying shit like that is assholery. Especially considering we've been one person short in our team since January AND i was on sick leave for sudden hearing loss earlier this year. Which obviously had nothing to do with being overworked and stressed. of course.
bosses suck
(no subject)
Dec. 16th, 2018 09:33 pmI'm really fucking disappointed in PF right now. "Policy on Explicit Artwork & Underage Characters", really?? This is so fucking vague and wishy washy and I am not happy.
1. banning a user for doing something that wasn't in the TOS at that time? no-no
2. how the fuck do they plan to enforce this?? moderators squinting at artwork to decide if there's enough titty to make sure no one is underage? this will be awesome.
what the fuck.
so pf does not seem to be the place to go for fandom, and that makes me sad.
(no subject)
Dec. 12th, 2018 10:46 pmrationally i know that ti have good qualities and that i have abilities. but if asked i could not tell you any. or if i could i would not believe it to be really true
i'm sad and angry and for fuck's sake i want to like myself. fucking fuck
(no subject)
Dec. 5th, 2018 01:23 pmAnd in the last two weeks the possibility of kitties turned into the reality of kitties!!!!!
Mascha and Minou (formerly known as Seba and Mimi) went home with me the very next day – the visit was on Thursday and Friday right after work my dad and me went to get them!!
This meant buying two litter boxes on the way back home because I was totally not prepared. I thought I’d have to wait another week or so and have time to buy all the stuff I needed. Nope.
I got food for the first days (Mascha needs special food), brushes, two toys, and even got to keep the transport boxes (obvs they were very very happy that these girls got a new home J)
In the beginning I was totally overwhelmed – and of course my mood had a little downward spiral, because why should I just be happy about something when I can start doubting myself instead? Fuck you, brain!
But! It got better and we’re getting used to each other.
Mascha follows me around and sometimes comes for scritches. When I’m on the sofa she’s usually next to me or sitting on the back of the sofa (the little shit usually climbs up the sides to get there instead of just jumping up). And boy, does this girl purr. She’s massive (aka very overweight, more or less a kitty-ball) and when she sleeps she curls up into the cutest, roundest, squishiest way ever.
Minou is still a scaredy-cat. The first day was the worst, she hid in the corner of my bedroom/under the bed and hissed at everyone from under the furniture. She was obviously very shaken and hateshateshates the transport box. Now she’s okay sitting in the same room with me and when I’m preparing their food she’s slinking around my legs and getting all purry. This weekend she even curled up on my feet to snoozle (okay, as soon as I moved my hand she was gone, but STILL).
They both like to attack my carpets and have discovered that the cat tree is FUN. They’re adorable and awesome and I love them.
But when I need intense and loving snuggles I go and get doggo kisses J
(no subject)
Nov. 20th, 2018 11:28 pmOn Thursday someone from the shelter will stop by to have a look at my appartment (they do that before letting people adopt indoor kitties), and answer questions.
I hope everything goes well :)
