smoldworf

Sun, 02 May 2021 18:56:23 GMT

Pillowfort is online again. The first thing I did after logging in was deleting all my private posts. lol
I'm not sure if I'm going to use my account over there much any more. This last fuck up was pretty big.

Pretty exhausted today, I spent my afternoon going through my clothes, deciding what I want to keep (and what still fit).
In other news I bought stuff to try bookbinding. I already printed and sewed some stuff, now I just need to do the rest.

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Tue, 30 Mar 2021 18:23:20 GMT

I hate how bad I feel about my body right now. I don't own scales, so i don't know my weight. But I DO know that I've gained weight in the last years, especially i the last year of course.
And right now? I don't like my body.

And of course, seeing others with my body type? They look okay to me. But myself? D:

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Sun, 21 Mar 2021 20:41:04 GMT

UGH. Tired and sad and headachy.

old thoughts are coming back. doubts. self hatred. like, your friends don't really care about you. you'll end up sad and lonely because there's nothing lovable about you and people will forget you when you're no longer of use.
meh.
i know these thoughts. luckily they're not here to stay, i know that. it's still sucky :/

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Fri, 12 Mar 2021 14:37:56 GMT

I got a Pillowfort account a while back but it somehow never really clicked for me? So much that I didn't ever notice it's down right now lol

It seemed to be a good place a t first, especially back then when tumblr cracked down on nsfw stuff. But then. Well. I'm not a fan of how wishywashy they changed their TOS (at least to me it felt arbitrary, like strikethrough 2.0 could happen any time); and weird bannings happened pretty quickly. And then there was this security breach thing they tried to stay very vague about. And now it looks like something similar happened again?
All my love for user-funded social media but ... still.

One site I really really miss is BookLikes; and that one obviously died when it was sold by the original creators. I didn't post anything for years because I hardly read books anymore but still smh

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Tue, 05 Jan 2021 21:32:55 GMT

i love mochi to pieces, he's the best kitty ever. but he's a stinky little man. i need to get his teef checked soon.

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Thu, 01 Oct 2020 19:33:05 GMT

My kitty was a very good kitty. The best kitty ever.
Big and fluffy and with the loudest and rumbliest purr. Snuggly. Derpy and regal.
I will miss her a lot.

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Fri, 04 Sep 2020 16:43:51 GMT

the internet is weird. when I was in 10th grade, there could be 16, 17, 18 and 19-year-olds in the same class (depending on when you started school and if you had to repeat a year).

according to internet logic a 19 year old would be a p*do/pr*dator for dating a 16/17 year old FROM THE SAME CLASS.

wild.

[i'm not saying age difference is always completely fine. Age difference can mean power imbalance. but these strict "rules" some people make up ... ]

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Mon, 17 Aug 2020 20:34:26 GMT

the gods have finally abandoned me and i fell down the rabbit hole that is liking BTS (ffs, why!?). And reading fic (naturally, but also, ffs why??!?)

i have been on the fringes of some big fandoms and witnessed a lot of fannish whatthefuckery. but.
damn this fucking cult is really really annoying (there are tons of lovely people, ofc. but thank god for twitter's block button)

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Wed, 12 Aug 2020 18:58:43 GMT

i'm sitting here and watch people doing the absofuckinglutely same thing that happened in 2016 and i'm like okok, this is totally fine. nothing to worry about.
totally not something to get anxious about. haha.

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Wed, 29 Jul 2020 13:55:11 GMT

'm tired of being sad all the time.
-_-

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Wed, 29 Jul 2020 11:58:42 GMT

i was today years old when i learned that Hadjj is only during a certain time of the year

i feel so ignorant wow

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Oh my

Thu, 01 Aug 2019 21:58:09 GMT

So, I just watched the 2017 version of Murder on the Orient Express, and may I respectfully ask WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK???

The opening? With Poirot sticking his fucking walking stick into the Western Wall just for funsies? Who thought that was a fine idea?

And we have a soccer team of Very Good Actors, but somehow we don't get to see them act, not really. Because everything is about brilliant, tormented, conflicted, broken hearted Hercule. Wot? Why choose a whodunnit where a huge part of the fun is seeing lots of suspects acting suspicious and watching the detective detecting when you then basically ignore that part?
And insted give us silly chases, an unnecessary avalanche, a weird stabbing and an even more unnecessary shoot out?
Christie's stories are not action-packed. And there's no need to add action. They're formulaic, yes, and unlikely, and that's okay.

Come on.

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Sat, 20 Jul 2019 19:55:19 GMT

tfw you find a writer you really like on tumblr and they reblog anti bs. :/

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Sat, 20 Jul 2019 19:50:09 GMT

soooo. after three fucking weeks i finally got my kitty back!

Minou escaped because i didn't realise she was in my bedroom when i left the windows open. (and i only noticed a couple of hours later when she didn't come screaming for dinner). she stayed pretty close but wouldn't let anyone touch her.

even got a trap to catch her. i caught a neighbour's cat (twice) and a hedgehog (three times). minou escaped because she's an eel and too fast to be real, and never went into the trap again.

and then this week she waited in front of my door for breakfast and dinner and let me scritch her. and on thursday i picked her up and took her inside and now she's back :)

now i need to get her to the vet :D

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Mon, 29 Apr 2019 18:58:49 GMT

man, i got feels and many of them

sooooo. Endgame

( Read more... )

you'll find me on ao3, in the relevant tags

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Fri, 26 Apr 2019 20:17:33 GMT

awesome. i think some ashat rando on ig just spoilered endgame for me.

i thought i had to be careful on tumblr. not on some fucking post about a big fish on fucking ig

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Fri, 19 Apr 2019 21:01:59 GMT

Honestly, I loved all of Tony's suits in IM3 (apart from the fact that the're the result of his anxiety of course). That fight with all these suits. Awesome.

Tony destryoing all his suits makes me so sad every time i watch the movie :(

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Fri, 15 Mar 2019 23:13:33 GMT

ngl the moment Carol Danvers told Yon-Rogg "I don't owe you anything" I had to think of Steven "on va voir" Grant Rogers. And I smiled.

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Sun, 03 Feb 2019 21:54:31 GMT

Did the absolite minimun of adulting this weekend, i.e. grocery shopping and scaring the kitties with the vacuum cleaner. I mean, work during the week is enough adultiness, bleh. Work is annoying and sucks.

Monty has discovered his taste for paper, this week he ate my parents' statements of account, tried to eat my salary statement (and other important stuff that was in the envelope), and chewed on a paperback. I have no idea what he likes about paper so much, but it's still a little funny. That little shit has all of us wrapped around his little finger, I love that snuggle bug so much.

Friday afternoon someone from the shelter came for the second control visit; Minou turned tail and ran faster than you could say "CHEESE!". The lady only got one picture before Minou hid behind the curtain and hissed at us. Mascha just sat there and allowed us to pet her like the queen she is :) The lady was so very happy to see Mascha comfortable and all purry (and round lol). And I was happy that she was happy :))

Yesterday when I was sitting on the sofa Mascha came to me for the first time, licked my fingers and then rammed her head against my hand to demand scritches :)
She's never done that before <3 <3 <3

In our last appointment my therapist suggested trying to reduce my meds ... I told her I was willing to try, how I felt secure enough. L O L
Later I reallized that the thought actually fucking scares me. Rationally I know no one wants to take my meds away over night. I know the idea is to take it slow - and that I can say that I want them back. But my monkey brain is bouncing around and scared, worried I'll lose the security I have now. Hm.
And I wonder if my "yes, let's try this!" is just me being the obedient people-pleaser. I have to do some thinking, I guess.

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Thu, 24 Jan 2019 20:54:38 GMT

Dear eternal and hopefully benevolent powers above. Please strike down the person that cursed me with this pre-installed ~FREE TRIAL~ bullshit by McAfee.

This is like shitty glitter, impossible to get rid of and and incredibly annoying.

ARGH

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Thu, 17 Jan 2019 20:41:01 GMT

So, next level of kitty care: ointment for her eyes. fucking ointment. Drops were not fiddly enough? sigh.

my baby

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Sun, 13 Jan 2019 20:47:53 GMT

So ... I suspect one of the kitties has peed in the living room. Somewhere. Ugh.

So I guess I'll get a UV light and play CSI.

In other news, Minou destroyed the new mousie toy in one (1) day.

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Tue, 01 Jan 2019 20:12:04 GMT

Aaaand I'm sad again.

Because of my fucking period.
Because I have to go back to work this Thursday, and I hate it so much.
Because it frustrates me that I have to bother my cat multiple times a day with eye drops and The Brush and she no longer likes to snuggle up to me
Because my Grandmother died and my aunt is acting like a real asshole.

Fuck all this fuckery

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Mon, 24 Dec 2018 22:35:21 GMT

Christmas Eve was nice and quiet. We exchanged presents, Monty tried to eat all the wrapping paper and boxes. Then he got to (had to) try on his new winter jacket and he hated it. He stood there, looking so reproachful (how could you do this to me???! I look so silly, the other dogs will laugh at me!!!). But it was so adorable. <3

Then Dad went to have a nap, because he has a cold, and Mom and me had a nap because we wanted to. Monty lay down next to me on the sofa and it was awfully comfy.

And now I just had like half a Daim cake and I'm watching TV.

After years of awfully forced Christmas "performances" for my Grandmother this is just perfection. <3

Last night I got almost no sleep at all. I stayed awake a little too long, past being tired, so to speak. And then I was worried about my kitties, too. They're sneezing and I'm concerned - that it could be more than just dry air. And it felt like they were sneezing non stop because I fell asleep between the sneezes. sigh.
I'll see if it's better after Christmas and if not I'll haul Mascha's butt to the vet.

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2018 - A Review

Sun, 23 Dec 2018 22:28:09 GMT

1. What is your general feeling for 2019?

Leeriness. That fucker better be less stressful than 2018.

2. 2018 in one word?

Stressful.

3. Did something for the first time time 2018?

Meditate. I tried it to work on my mental health

4. Did something again after a long time?

Knitting. And reading.

5. Something you regret not doing?

READING MORE

6. Word of the Year?

Mindfulness

7. Hospitalizations?

8. Food of the year?

Hard to say, I basically love everything you can eat lol
But I tried Mochi for the first time :)

9. Song of the year?

Bohemian Rhapsody

10. Book of the year?

Truman Capote: In Cold Blood

11. Movie of the year?

I loved Black Panther.

12. Insight of the year?

Needing help does not make you weak

13. Things I could have done without?

1. Acute hearing loss/tinnitus because of stress. It sucks
2. She's not a thing, but counts nonetheless: my boss

14. Best decisions of the year?

1. Making my parents get a doggo
2. Deciding to get myself kitties
3. Finally starting therapy

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